she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
