Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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