I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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