When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
this hospital has no fireball
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
