I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
