haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
