I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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