I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
