From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
