it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
