you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
