So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
