you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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