I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
