Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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