he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
