Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
