I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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