It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
