Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
bring money and cleavage
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
