im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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