I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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