just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
