We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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