Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
