my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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