she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
