Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
