Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
