I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
