Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
