I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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