The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
