I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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