She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
