hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
