he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
