census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
