that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
