my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Semen is not good for contacts.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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