Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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