Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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