yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
