she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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