dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
