i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
