you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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