woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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