I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
