Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
