Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
