my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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