he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Barsexuality is the new black.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
