Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
