I wish my penis had an off switch
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
