Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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